Jenna Glatzer, Ghostwriter

So I'm sitting in a new OB/GYN's office, because I've recently gotten health insurance back, and my old OB/GYN doesn't take my new insurance. Anthony and I are TTC, so I want to make sure all my parts are in the right places. Picked this doctor out of the phone book. I'm skeeved right quick because of the women waiting in the waiting room with me. One 60ish woman with a romance novel sucks and slurps and clicks on her dentures about every three seconds. There's no Musak or anything, so every slurp sets off my inner gag reflex. Then there's the woman with moles all over her neck who is wearing a floral skirt... and pilled black socks and black sneakers. I wonder if she's been recently homeless. Then the woman with the knit cap that appears to have lasted at least two decades without a washing. I am in the wrong part of town. I begin thinking about the fact that these women are going to have their hoo-has all out in the same room I'm about to be in, an...

No, really, this is disturbing me now. Last month, I had a series of dreams involving Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I've no idea why. I think we were friends in the dreams. Since then, whenever I do remember my dreams, chances are good that they involve a celebrity-- and not a celebrity I particularly admire, but the ones who are more known for partying, being ditzy, etc. Last night's dream involved Leonardo DiCaprio, whose house I was considering buying. He had lived there with his mother and brothers, and it was kind of a small, crappy house. When I went to look around in the backyard, I took a jacket from Leo's wardrobe to keep me warm, which I explained to him later, when he showed up in the kitchen. I was being flirty with him, then his face morphed into a horrible human being I dated in high school. I don't ever remember having celebrity dreams before. Is there a dream interpreter in the house? (Me, being vapid)

Here's the thing. I have been on a mission for the past two years to become more girly. It all started when I was engaged and reading about women's beauty regimens in preparation for their weddings. I read these 12-month beauty planners and my eyes fell out... women actually started planning their beauty routines a year in advance?! There were lots of things on there I'd never even heard of, much less tried. So I drove over to my nearest spa and asked them to give me a facial. Which they did. And it was expensive and I didn't like all the steam up my nose. But that's beside the point. The big revelation for me was eyebrow waxing. I had never waxed or tweezed anything before. But after I had my brows waxed for the first time, I was in awe-- I looked so much better! Soon I hated looking at old pictures because I was horrified by my unkempt eyebrows. I experimented with spray-on tanners, I used Crest Whitestrips, I bought pore strips... but the thing that I still have ...