Monday, March 27, 2006

That doesn't sound fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.

So I'm sitting in a new OB/GYN's office, because I've recently gotten health insurance back, and my old OB/GYN doesn't take my new insurance. Anthony and I are TTC, so I want to make sure all my parts are in the right places. Picked this doctor out of the phone book.

I'm skeeved right quick because of the women waiting in the waiting room with me. One 60ish woman with a romance novel sucks and slurps and clicks on her dentures about every three seconds. There's no Musak or anything, so every slurp sets off my inner gag reflex. Then there's the woman with moles all over her neck who is wearing a floral skirt... and pilled black socks and black sneakers. I wonder if she's been recently homeless. Then the woman with the knit cap that appears to have lasted at least two decades without a washing. I am in the wrong part of town.

I begin thinking about the fact that these women are going to have their hoo-has all out in the same room I'm about to be in, and I nearly leave. I don't even want to touch the pen they give me to fill out my paperwork. I inspect it for lice. I think if the doc had waited about five minutes longer, I'd have been in the parking lot. But I made it, and thank God for...

(Men, you probably should stop reading here, if you haven't already.)

...plastic, disposable speculums. They look like salad tongs. I've never seen them before, but I am endlessly pleased to see them now. All the instruments are wrapped like condiment packs at a fast food joint.

So I go through with it without much more in the way of digust. And the damn woman finds the lump in my boob that I thought for sure was gone by now. I was supposed to take care of this more than two years ago... the last time I had insurance. Anyway, she looks really concerned and has her assistant call and make an appointment for a mammogram and a biopsy while I'm standing there. This really must be bad, because she gets me an appointment for three days from now. Nothing works that fast unless you're a goner.

So 'm getting my first mammogram ever on Thursday. It feels like a rite of passage of some sort. I've never had pancake boobs before. Then they analyze the results, then they schedule the biopsy. Now, that's the part I'm really not looking forward to. A needle? In my ladypart?

Why can't they just trust me that it's nothing? 'Cause I'm telling you, it's nothing. I made this deal with God a couple of years ago. It went like this:

Me: Okay, God, cut the crap.
God: Fine. Party pooper.

So we're good. But the mortal is making me go check it out anyway. And I'm not allowed to get preggers in the meantime. Yarg.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Why do I dream of the vapid?

No, really, this is disturbing me now. Last month, I had a series of dreams involving Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. I've no idea why. I think we were friends in the dreams.

Since then, whenever I do remember my dreams, chances are good that they involve a celebrity-- and not a celebrity I particularly admire, but the ones who are more known for partying, being ditzy, etc. Last night's dream involved Leonardo DiCaprio, whose house I was considering buying. He had lived there with his mother and brothers, and it was kind of a small, crappy house. When I went to look around in the backyard, I took a jacket from Leo's wardrobe to keep me warm, which I explained to him later, when he showed up in the kitchen. I was being flirty with him, then his face morphed into a horrible human being I dated in high school.

I don't ever remember having celebrity dreams before. Is there a dream interpreter in the house?

(Me, being vapid)

Saturday, March 04, 2006

How do women buy makeup?

Here's the thing. I have been on a mission for the past two years to become more girly. It all started when I was engaged and reading about women's beauty regimens in preparation for their weddings. I read these 12-month beauty planners and my eyes fell out... women actually started planning their beauty routines a year in advance?! There were lots of things on there I'd never even heard of, much less tried. So I drove over to my nearest spa and asked them to give me a facial. Which they did. And it was expensive and I didn't like all the steam up my nose. But that's beside the point.

The big revelation for me was eyebrow waxing. I had never waxed or tweezed anything before. But after I had my brows waxed for the first time, I was in awe-- I looked so much better! Soon I hated looking at old pictures because I was horrified by my unkempt eyebrows.

I experimented with spray-on tanners, I used Crest Whitestrips, I bought pore strips... but the thing that I still have trouble with today is makeup.

You can't try on makeup like you try on clothing. I'm not sure how anyone ever takes the plunge and decides to buy $15 lipstick and $10 eyeliner if they have no idea if it's going to look any good on them. So I've always bought cheap-ish stuff... I know I'm going to wind up not using most of it anyway, because the color's going to be wrong, or it's going to wear off too fast, or something.

Well, I splurged a little last week and bought some new stuff at CVS because I accidentally dyed my hair orange and none of my old makeup looks right anymore. I'm dismayed to report that it's all a bust, but figured I'd tell you why here so other women might not make the same costly mistakes:

-Styli-Style Line & Seal waterproof eyeliner in Tanzanite: Hard to apply-- you have to press really, really hard (I'm going to try melting it a little with a lighter next time), and the color makes me look like I might have the flu. Didn't stay on more than a few hours.

-CoverGirl Cheekers Bronzer: You can't tell until you open it, but it's really sparkly. This is OK for 14-year-old girls, I guess, but ridiculous on me.

-CoverGirl liquid pencil in black brown: Applies nicely, and not a bad color, but it disappeared quickly. I looked in the mirror a few hours later and it was totally gone. (I do rub my eyes a lot, so factor that in, but my old eyeliner-- Clinique Quick Eyes in black-- handled that just fine.)

-Maybelline Shiny*licious in Sugar plum: Stayed on for maybe 28 seconds, and tasted weird.

See, now I'm gun shy about trying other new products because I just wasted a lot of money on four products that are going to sit at the bottom of my makeup bag until I finally give up and throw them out. And those are not the expensive products... seriously, how do women ever figure out what products are right for them? Do they just accept that it's all a gamble, and that it's OK to spend $100 before finding the right lipstick? Is this another womanly lesson I should just get used to now?

I always think it's funny when writers ask celebrities about their favorite beauty products, and they name something that I can't even identify by function. My single must-have beauty product is Naturistics roll-on shiny lip gloss in watermelon flavor. If I can't find it, I buy the same product by N.Y.C., which costs about $2 and remains yummy for hours.

Now you know.